Studying Overseas

Hello everybody. How have you been?

I can't believe how fast time is flying by, it's officially my second semester in Newcastle University. That also means that it's been half a year since I moved over to the UK and started living on my own. The news got out and I started receiving messages from envious friends who wished they're in my shoes. Total freedom, shit tons of house parties, alcohol, yadada, living the "high life" as a college student.

Nobody ever talks about how hard this is going to be.

I've been feeling really lonely ever since I got here..even more so ever since my recent break up. Nobody talks about how you've to start making new friends and how the new friends will never ever be able to take the place of your girlfriends/best friends. Nobody talks about how hard it will be to adapt to the educational system in your new environment; difference in marking style, difference in grading system, difference in teaching methods. Nobody talks about how you may seemed to be fitting in very well with everyone; yet feel so alone in a room full of people.

Shocking isn't it. Coming from me? The girl who was supposed to be the "extrovert", noisy, talkative, life of a party, exhibitionist etc. Prancing around the room like a mad girl, jumping up and down around the club like a party girl only to be retreating into my room and refusing entry to anyone for three whole days of complete solitude to regain my sanity.

Tried to avoid people sometimes yet when I am put in those situations, I act like there's no better place I'd rather be. Feeling lonely yet distancing myself from all my love ones in Singapore and everyone else in Newcastle. Knowing that I'm probably wired wrongly somewhere yet trying to hide it with happy quotes and pictures on all my various social media platforms. Knowing that I'm secretly depressed but always forcing myself to look on the bright side. Ending up feeling more miserable than ever at the end of the day when I face my true self right before I sleep.

Hate shoving my negative nonsense into people's faces and resulting in me just oversimplifying all my thoughts and feelings into "I'm fine" -bright smile-. Feeling sick in the mind yet not being able to string them into sentences nor able to sort out my life. Left with nothing I can hold on to, nothing that I can be certain about. I'm all alone. I've got no one but myself.

No one understands.

Life doesn't change for any one in Singapore. Not for my friends, girlfriends, best friends, not for my (ex)boyfriend. Life gave everyone too much shit in Newcastle. School doesn't give a shit about you or how you feel. All you're left with is yourself and you don't even know wtf is wrong with you.

Enjoying myself at social occasions, making new friends and refusing to reply their texts for the next four days...just because.

Being alone is depressing but being around people is tiring. Seemingly flirting with everyone when in reality you can only tolerate like 4 people. Feeling the need to be the social life jacket for everyone to remove the awkwardness yet feeling nothing short of being awkward while you do what you do.

Really don't know what is becoming of me. I feel like I'm losing my mind. All I know is that I'm unhappy and I honestly don't understand why. My life feels like it's falling into pieces when ironically the whole reason why I'm here to do my degree is to give my life some form of value.

I'm sorry for the thought-vomit. It probably doesn't make sense and probably doesn't put me in a very good light. But I guess this is what I feel and I hope I'll get out of this soon.

I've met one too many kind people here, probably more than what I deserve. I should probably focus on how anyone can still be nice to me on top of their own problems ie trying to adapt too. I hope I'll get to that level one day...

Feeling slightly better penning this down even though I doubt anyone would read this.

Till next time.